The Hardest Walk
Let me start by saying that this blog has been “in the works” for a long time. I just couldn’t get myself to publish anything. I deleted things I wrote and thought I was doing a disservice to what I wanted this to be about. This is the journey I’m taking after a significant trauma in our family. (And) because I want my blog to be relatable to those going thru hard times, I won’t get into what that was. It’s more for privacy for my family but also to help those reading my journey.
In short: I had to leave my home in Tx and move to MI. I took my younger daughter with me and my older daughter opted stayed behind to live with her dad (not my current husband) and finish senior year. Which made perfect sense to me.
When I stepped off the plane I was still in shock and had a very hard time regulating my emotions. I took the first week to turn off all our small joint accounts. (streaming subscriptions, and things that would negatively affect the bank account. I also changed out address immediately so that I could establish residency here and get my daughter enrolled into school asap to finish her school year. These things were done on autopilot and very emotionally charged. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want my reality and what the future was going to look like. As far as I was concerned, my husband was going to go to jail and I was going to move back to Tx within 6 months. Well…nearly a year and a half later, that was NOT the case. I have learned (by force) how to make the best of a seriously awful situation.
I had been doing counseling on and off for many years up to this point and not once did they say “You are dealing with someone who is purposefully gaslighting you. You should consider leaving the situation”. It wasn’t until I started counseling here in MI, that I was interrupted and point blank told that I had been gaslit, groomed, conditioned, emotionally and financially abused. That was a hard hit because the things that I was used to were “part of his personality” but wasn’t when we started dating and got married. This was gradual, spread out over a literal decade. When I reflected on how he was when we first got together vs now, it was jarring.
When I say that Therapy/Counseling has saved my life, I really mean that. I honestly thought I didn’t do enough, that I wasn’t understanding enough and I was the one with the problem. Afterall, this was my husband right, its my job to pick up the slack when he can’t… right? Right? NO. Turns out it’s the opposite. When your significant other starts making you dependent on them in ANY way, it’s time to go. I’m not talking about agreed upon situations like “what if it doesn’t make financial sense to go back to work after having a baby, or after a surgery and you are required to be off work. I’m talking about “We don’t need your income, just stay home/you don’t need my income, I’m staying home” or “I don’t want you doing that job/ If your boss won’t let you out by X time, I’m coming in there” or “I don’t like that you are around xyz without me”. That’s not protective. That’s abusive. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical or shouting you down or calling you names. Abuse is fearing the repercussion of an action you make. Stonewalling, ignoring, threating your job security, threating the ties with your family, isolation thru their actions that cause you to stop interacting with people you regularly associate with is all abuse. It is NEVER part of protection. No matter how they explain it.
People pleasing is one of the hardest things to stop doing. Especially if you have PTSD, depression, anxiety or additional trauma to support the fear of conflict. You might not even know you are a people pleaser. I didn’t. I thought I was just being polite. Nope, that’s called a trauma response. Mostly used with people we are not comfortable having conflict. I’m currently learning how to not allow others perceptions dictate how I am around other people. I am also learning the difference between “People Pleasing behaviors” and “Social Etiquette”. (I will be making a list of things that I plan on getting clarification on and start doing blog posts about them to help others understand the differences.
In this blog I intend to: (Full disclosure, I am NOT a therapist. I am just someone blogging about my experiences)
- Explain the things that I needed therapy to change and how this helps me move forward.
- Make a list of all my future goals and adjust them as my life and needs change
- Post what steps I have already taken and why
- Blog about the things I have learned and AM learning
- Create downloads, post links to helpful books I’ve read
- Maintain a passive income to help take care of my children. (No my child will not have her dad as I expect him to be incarcerated for an extended period of time. Because of this, he will not be able to help with support, and hasn’t for nearly a year and a half as of the beginning of this blog)
I would love to have you as a reader and hopefully help in some way. I appreciate interactions, comments and of course when people buy something from me. All of this helps my blog and my ability to support my kids. My older one is on her own now but I still like to help her when I can. Thank you for taking the time to read my intro and I hope you find my writing helpful!
