Hard Walk to a Feathered Bed - Thriving after Trauma

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In the Beginning

April 19, 2024

by KC

by KC · Published April 19, 2024

The Dopamine Trap

ADHD and other neurodivergences often have what is called a dopamine deficiency. In other words, we need the reward chemical in our brain to do things and feel safe. This also drives our attachments and how we feel in relationships/friendships. Its arguably also where some of trauma bonding comes from as well. When we are used to unpredictable people we search for those types of relationships because our brain seeks for what it knows. Most neurodivergent labels are hereditary, therefore your family dynamic often reflects the same patterns and behaviors. This also explains the cycle of abuse patterns that some people see growing up. (One elder was verbally abusive and the child ends up becoming the same way to their child. Or that child looks for abusive partners by default because that’s what their brain sees as “normal”)

I find that as I am doing counseling, there are a lot of patterns I didn’t realize I gravitated to. My partners often resemble the “worst” parent or the more dominate parent. I am more like docile other parent and took on that role. I am a support to the emotionally unstable partner, ultimately becoming the default baseline to their mood swings. As someone who often had to “read a room or person” I found that it was in my best interest to rotate between both personality styles to stay safe. I can be loud and assertive when I feel cornered or small and quiet when I’m uncomfortable.

There is not a lot of research on the term RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder) but I find that most people with neurodivergences struggle with this. Myself included. It suggests, based on past interactions, that the probability of someone being irritated with us is high. Think back to how many times you were told to “be quiet”, “sit down”, “stop disrupting”, “you’re annoying” or “Nobody likes you, go away”… Yea that sticks with you from childhood to adulthood because there is no magic age where you stop thinking like that. Patterns teach our brain what to look for and what is safe. And most of us, “safe” was not actually safe at all. Which brings us back to “rejection was a pattern of normal” therefore we seek partners that will fulfill the self sabotage of “I can fix them” or “I understand the way they think so I will be what they need and we will fix each other” or “This is what I’m used to and healthy is boring because there is no ups and downs”. Did you know that healthy relationships don’t consist of trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding is a term that describes the exaggerated turmoil in a relationship/friendship. For example, someone who picks fights with their person is looking for reassurance or codependency through the chemical imbalance that fights provoke. Its the extreme ups and downs that cause partners or friends to depend on each other for emotional stability. This is why some people have a hard time leaving a relationship or friendship. “We’ve been through so much together. I feel like I would be abandoning them”. Its basically saying “My person is poisoning me, but they are also the only one with the antidote, therefore I can’t leave”. If you rely on someone who is hurting you to also make you feel safe, that is a HUGE problem and will cause a Stockholm Syndrome type affect. You find excuses, reasons, pity, understanding, ect for their behaviors. And when they come back and give a half hearted apology, you take it because the relationship is most likely living on breadcrumbs of good times rather than the consistency of a healthy relationship.

Breadcrumbing relates to the amount of “feel good” moments in your relationship/friendship. If the affection that you used to receive is scarce compared to the amount in the beginning, this could be a narcissistic relationship and you need to get out because there is no fix, compromise, resolution or counseling that will help get you back on track. Breadcrumbing is a tactic of giving positive attention sparingly to make you think that you are doing something wrong or to manipulate you. In a healthy relationship you should feel secure in the amount of attention and affection that you are given. This can also be tricky for those of us who have experienced “love bombing” which is a tactic used to reel us in and give the notion that this person understands us and we have found our soulmate. I say this can be tricky because with adhd (among other neurodivergences, “love bombing” may also be the dopamine of getting to know another person and the enjoyment we get from a new connection. Not everyone intends to manipulate and this can be hard to spot if you have been in those types of relationships.

Our brain relies heavily on natural chemicals to determine how to think, respond, protect and react to our environments. Dopamine is what drives us to do tasks or be in relationships. Its the reward chemical of the brain. Its what makes you feel good about what you’re doing. The problem with this is the amount we get for each thing is wildly unbalanced. While procrastinating a task you don’t enjoy (laundry, homework, dishes, ect) can make it nearly impossible to start the task, the opposite problem arises from getting the wrong attention from a toxic partner. When we get good attention from that person and then they get cold, we naturally want to be in their good graces again. And when that happens, the dopamine of “feel good” chemicals out weigh our logical decision making brain to leave the situation. This is why it’s easy to shy away from someone who is cold from the beginning. There is no dopamine from that interaction.

To learn more about how chemicals affect the brain, codependency, and other helpful tools, I will link the audible books in amazon below.
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In the Beginning

April 15, 2024

by KC

by KC · Published April 15, 2024

The Hardest Walk
Let me start by saying that this blog has been “in the works” for a long time. I just couldn’t get myself to publish anything. I deleted things I wrote and thought I was doing a disservice to what I wanted this to be about. This is the journey I’m taking after a significant trauma in our family. (And) because I want my blog to be relatable to those going thru hard times, I won’t get into what that was. It’s more for privacy for my family but also to help those reading my journey.

In short: I had to leave my home in Tx and move to MI. I took my younger daughter with me and my older daughter opted stayed behind to live with her dad (not my current husband) and finish senior year. Which made perfect sense to me.

When I stepped off the plane I was still in shock and had a very hard time regulating my emotions. I took the first week to turn off all our small joint accounts. (streaming subscriptions, and things that would negatively affect the bank account. I also changed out address immediately so that I could establish residency here and get my daughter enrolled into school asap to finish her school year. These things were done on autopilot and very emotionally charged. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want my reality and what the future was going to look like. As far as I was concerned, my husband was going to go to jail and I was going to move back to Tx within 6 months. Well…nearly a year and a half later, that was NOT the case. I have learned (by force) how to make the best of a seriously awful situation.

I had been doing counseling on and off for many years up to this point and not once did they say “You are dealing with someone who is purposefully gaslighting you. You should consider leaving the situation”. It wasn’t until I started counseling here in MI, that I was interrupted and point blank told that I had been gaslit, groomed, conditioned, emotionally and financially abused. That was a hard hit because the things that I was used to were “part of his personality” but wasn’t when we started dating and got married. This was gradual, spread out over a literal decade. When I reflected on how he was when we first got together vs now, it was jarring.

When I say that Therapy/Counseling has saved my life, I really mean that. I honestly thought I didn’t do enough, that I wasn’t understanding enough and I was the one with the problem. Afterall, this was my husband right, its my job to pick up the slack when he can’t… right? Right? NO. Turns out it’s the opposite. When your significant other starts making you dependent on them in ANY way, it’s time to go. I’m not talking about agreed upon situations like “what if it doesn’t make financial sense to go back to work after having a baby, or after a surgery and you are required to be off work. I’m talking about “We don’t need your income, just stay home/you don’t need my income, I’m staying home” or “I don’t want you doing that job/ If your boss won’t let you out by X time, I’m coming in there” or “I don’t like that you are around xyz without me”. That’s not protective. That’s abusive. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical or shouting you down or calling you names. Abuse is fearing the repercussion of an action you make. Stonewalling, ignoring, threating your job security, threating the ties with your family, isolation thru their actions that cause you to stop interacting with people you regularly associate with is all abuse. It is NEVER part of protection. No matter how they explain it.

People pleasing is one of the hardest things to stop doing. Especially if you have PTSD, depression, anxiety or additional trauma to support the fear of conflict. You might not even know you are a people pleaser. I didn’t. I thought I was just being polite. Nope, that’s called a trauma response. Mostly used with people we are not comfortable having conflict. I’m currently learning how to not allow others perceptions dictate how I am around other people. I am also learning the difference between “People Pleasing behaviors” and “Social Etiquette”. (I will be making a list of things that I plan on getting clarification on and start doing blog posts about them to help others understand the differences.

In this blog I intend to: (Full disclosure, I am NOT a therapist. I am just someone blogging about my experiences)
1. Explain the things that I needed therapy to change and how this helps me move forward.
2. Make a list of all my future goals and adjust them as my life and needs change
3. Post what steps I have already taken and why
4. Blog about the things I have learned and AM learning
5. Create downloads, post links to helpful books I’ve read
6. Maintain a passive income to help take care of my children. (No my child will not have her dad as I expect him to be incarcerated for an extended period of time. Because of this, he will not be able to help with support, and hasn’t for nearly a year and a half as of the beginning of this blog)
I would love to have you as a reader and hopefully help in some way. I appreciate interactions, comments and of course when people buy something from me. All of this helps my blog and my ability to support my kids. My older one is on her own now but I still like to help her when I can. Thank you for taking the time to read my intro and I hope you find my writing helpful!
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In the Beginning

April 15, 2024

by KC

by KC · Published April 15, 2024

Rebuilding After Trauma is Hard But Worth it!
We can be fabulous and achieve amazing things alone! I have a bad habit of not giving myself enough credit for what I HAVE done. Steve Harvey has wonderful motivational speeches. One of them was “making a list of 300 Goals that you want to achieve and make it as big as you can dream”. I started mine and categorized them into Career and Business goals, Income goals, Personal goals, Now goals and so on. My favorite thing to do is making lists, and having organization things that make me feel like I have my life in order. In case you’re wondering, I do not have my life in order. Baring that in mind, I am using this platform to chase all my ducks into a row and hopefully help others starting over in their lives and give yall some hope and idea for your futures.

My list of Achievements since I’ve moved here as of Nov 2023
- Things I have accomplished since 12/8/22
- 1. Packed a bag and xmas stuff & Left (12/8/2022)
- 2. Arranged flight (12/8/2022)
- 3. Got important things from house (12/10/2022)
- 4. Flew from Tx to MI with daughter (12/12/22)
- 5. Changed phone to dads plan (12/2022)
- 6. Unsubcribed to emails for husband on my account (12/13/2022)
- 7. Canceled joint accounts (hulu, Disney, ect) (12/13/2022)
- 8. Changed address for both of us. Got rid of po box (12/13/2022)
- 9. Friends visited for spring break from Tx (3/24/2023)
- 10. Got a job/changed jobs (1/9/2023) (4/2/2023)
- 11. Drove to Ann Arbor for work training (4/29/2023)
- 12. Daughter fractured her arm (4/2023)
- 13. New Dr for Daughter (3/2023)
- 14. Applied to housing (2/19/2023)
- 15. Sought weekly counceling (1/2023)
- 16. Unfriended a friend for undue stress YES this happens with people you least expect. DO NOT feel bad for protecting whats left of your sanity (4/11/2023)
- 17. Joined community center (12/2023)
- 18. Started working out with Jess (1/2023)
- 19. Did our taxes (1/2023)
- 20. Bought a vehicle (3/2023)
- 21. Changed cosmetology license to MI (12/19/2022) received (3/25/2023)
- 22. Got clothes for us (12/2023)
- 23. Enrolled daughter into school (12/2023)
- 24. Doing after school activities (12/2022)
- 25. Started blog account (5/2023)
- 26. Paid off EXP & changed to referral partner program (8/25/2023)
- 27. Started prepaid credit card to build credit (6/2023) !
- 28. Got our things from Tx (5/16/2023)
- 29. Watched Older daughter graduate in Dallas (5/20/2023)
- 30. Drove across country with uhaul truck alone (5/21/2023)
- 31. Unloaded truck with Jess to storage (5/22/2023)
- 32. Started doing yoga with Jess (8/2023)
- 33. Going to chiropractor (8/2023)
- 34. Did 10 day mental health outpatient hospitalization program (7/19/2023-8/1/2023)
- 35. Setting monthly goals (12/2022)
- 36. Picking up things for new housing to put in storage (7/2023 to present)
- 37. Gardening & dehydrating (7/2023-10/2023)
- 38. Paid whole summer daycare bill in full (6/2023)
- 39. Back to school things (8/22/2023)
- 40. Took kids to Frankenmuth waterpark (9/4/2023)
- 41. Truck wouldn’t come out of park, not fixable, bought new SUV from Ford dealership (9/6/2023)
- 42. Started extracts (vanilla, mints, herbs) (9/2023)
- 43. Started divorce process thru courthouse (10/16/2023)
- 44. Mailed husband his paperwork (10/16/2023)
- 45. Got supena for Nov 6th (10/16/2023)
- 46. Now Jan 8th. (10/19/23)
- 47. Submitted next divorce paperwork (10/23/23) Divorce finalized 5/31/24.
- 48. Started mortgage assessment (11/2/2023)
- 49. Got assessment answer. 6 month time frame (March 2024) 640 credit score minimum. 1% down with roughly $3k down-payment.
- 50. Met with local EXP agent and got property list for minimum of 1 acre 3bd 2 bath.
- 51. Put rbfcu debit card in my tips holder to save $$ (11/14/23)
- 52. Went to friend of the court to figure out what paperwork they need for custody and such. Nov 30th hearing
- 53. Got a promotion and raise (10/2023)
- 54. Monthly goal setting 12/2022-present
- 55. Sent birthday and xmas gifts to stepson
- 56. Did 99% of xmas shopping by 11/3/2023
- 57. Restarted Real Estate networking 11/13/2023
- 58. Sent in friend of the court custody and support paperwork (11/20/23)
- 59. Sent out next paperwork to husband for the divorce (Default paper) (11/20/23)
- 60. Finished all xmas shopping (11/20/23)
My goals for this year is to gain traction from last year. This last 12 months has been about healing and finding hope. I’m in the middle of a divorce and awaiting for the sentencing of my husband who is looking at a significant amount of time in prison. I won’t go into the specifics, however it has taken me a 10 day outpatient hospitalization program, weekly therapy, and consistent conversations with friends and family to understand what this has done to my family and to me. I worked on my mental health all year as I untangled what I thought our life was and what I left behind. PTSD is real. Panic/Anxiety disorder is REAL. You don’t have to be a war vet to experience it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety and Insomnia because of the stress. I ended up being admitted to the hospital for low potassium July 2023. It was there that they convinced me that my mental health was worth taking a hiatus from work to attend this program. The information and sessions were worth every minute of being there. I suggest it to anyone who is having a hard time digesting what’s happening around them. It could very well be the difference between life and death. When you are trapped in fight or flight your brain literally no longer works right. Click here for more info on what happens to your brain when in constant stress. Click here to see the affects on your body after long periods of stress or trauma. These are scientifically proven and known causes of stress and trauma. It is NOT signs of weakness, overreacting, causing drama, or anything else that’s told to you in an attempt to shut you down from processing it. With that in mind, writing a list of goals will help give you something to look forward to. As I wrote these goals, I looked forward to who I wanted to be once the dust settles.

So I came up with: “In a Perfect World” Goals

I want to be the homesteader who has animals, buys her own house, has 1 solid career and hobbies, enjoys trips with my kids, visits family and friends out of state, eats well and does yoga regularly… ect. In a perfect world I am happy and content with my life and they are reachable goals that I can aspire to. That way, one day when I wake up, I will wake up in a house I bought, feeding animals at the crack of dawn, enjoying the life I created by design, rather than waking up to whatever life threw at me while I was waiting to heal from my trauma. This years goals are:

List of Goals: 12 month year ( Jan 2024)
- Get through husbands trial (Jan) – Mistrial. Must do again.
- Get Apartment for now
- Start my Real Estate career in Michigan/ Referral business in Tx
- Continue doing Hair until I am able to bow out with a stable income
- Launch blog and monetize
- Fitness on a regular schedule
- 80/20 Plant based diet
- Big garden to do preserves and canning (spring 2024)
- Visit friends & family out of state and do trips with younger daughter (summer 2024)
- Take over stock account and invest more
- Finalize divorce May 31st 2024
- Learn how to make Sourdough bread & cook more things
- Decorate my new space in Farmhouse decor
One the first things I did was seek therapy so I COULD process what was going on in my life. In my opinion (and the general consensus of most studies) this is a necessary step to healing and sorting out fiction from facts. Trust me, your brain will have a hard time with this at first and maybe for months or even years. That’s why its called a process. It’s also known as GRIEVING. These stages are not timed nor are they linear. You are allowed to take however much time you need and may revisit stages as you heal. Feeling uncomfortable emotions is part of this awful process and absolutely necessary. So if you find that you are distracting yourself with projects, work, kids, and so forth, you will not fully heal. However at the same time, if you are doing nothing but thinking about the tragedy, that will also keep you stressed out. If you are feeling hopeless or like you can’t get through the day without crying or hoping that the reality is false, you would benefit from seeking therapy to help thru these stages. I did a LOT of ruminating on what happened and what I didn’t know. I felt guilty for not seeing or catching things. I felt horrible for trusting someone that I learned couldn’t be trusted in a very big way. I still have a hard time putting “both” of these people in one body.

I’m rounding into the final stages of grief (I hope) and acceptance has been the hardest and most peaceful stage so far. I have accepted the reality that my husband will not be my forever person, I started the divorce last month (October 2023) and it will be finalized May of 2024. From December 8th 2022 to present (November 20th 2023) I have made a list 60 items long that I have done and accomplished since I left. It started off as a list of things I could check off my to do list and keep track of, because my working memory was shot. It developed into this beautiful list of how amazing I had been doing to move forward despite being massively depressed and broken.

Tracking monthly goals has been really enriching for me as well. I have a White Board that I picked up at a thrift shop and started writing 3-5 goals per category for the month. I was doing that before I left and had done that for years. So in my goals I have “Career & Business”, “Personal”, “Self” and “Family”. The 300 list is still being worked on but so far I have a lot items.

(The Steve Harvey) 300 Goals List (mine are categorized) (also not at 300…its hard!)

Career and Business
- Restart Real Estate
- Find a coach who understands ADHD and Trauma
- Begin networking & making passive money
- Learn contracts in RE, math, ins and outs of commercial/residential
- Learn social media and do video on Youtube channel
- Begin credit building
- Buy 1st property (primary)
- Start research on property management business
- Buy apartment complexes or duplexes
- Learn how to do section 8/ HUD housing
- Passive referral income to separate account
- Hire & start a RE team
- Buying Hotels
- Register DBA for taxes/business ventures
- Hold majority of investments in both types (apts & hotels)
- Launch Blog
- Redirect into a “Steve Harvey” type blog- talking about my experiences and being grateful/Helpful
- Passive income to replace husbands help with our daughter
- Volunteer work helping women like myself
- Lean into google calendar to organize my life
- Keep all income streams in separate bank accounts
- Have a RE car and everyday car (this will help with taxes and miles put on the car)
- Buy vacation houses in the South to do RE during winter in the North
- Travel often for seminars and growth
- Update living will to make sure the kids have money
- Teach them both how to take over
- Get them both licensed to create passive income
- Co-own investments with both daughters
- Protect what I have worked for legally
- DO NOT have a legal business partner ever (Not to be confused with network partners)
300 Goal list: Personal & Health
- Fitness classes weekly
- Yoga practice at studio
- 80/20 plant based
- Audiobooks for growth and enjoyment
- Therapy continued indefinitely
- Back down to 145lbs or healthy/fit
- Learn how to do my hair, nails, skin care
- Decorate my space in Farmhouse
- Have a large garden
- Have livestock (chickens & goats)
- Travel to see family and friends
- Travel out of country with the kids
- Girl vacations with friends and sister in laws/mother in law
- Have yoga space in my house
- Save money for home wants
- Canning and Preserving area of pantry
- Learn how to update my house myself
- Have Older daughter and Son in law up to visit often (my treat)
- Have TX friends visit often
- Host holidays at my house
- Have office space in my house
- Backyard entertaining space
- Crafting space
- Have social time/Dinners at my house
- Buy my own little cabin cruiser like my in laws
300 List continued: Monetary
- First 10k in bank
- 50k in savings
- 100k as a RE agent
- 10k passive income
- 50k passive income
- 100k passive income
- Own 5 investment properties
- Owning 10 investment properties
- Owning 50 investment properties
- 10k Stock Market
- 50K Stock Market
- 100k Stock Market
- Muti-million dollar RE Team (MI & Tx) And other states if possible
- 10+ acres of land
- Build subdivision
- Buy multi-family units specifically for HUD housing/Sec 8
- Buy and Run a “ShelterHouse” type facility
- Figure out affiliate marketing for passive income
- Sell eggs, bread, meat chickens, ect
- Make soaps, candles, ect
- Try online store again for passive income
- Blog monetization
- Teach classes
- Write a book and publish
- Youtube channel for RE and another for Blog
- Master Pintrest, IG, TicToc, ect
- Set up kids with their own income and teach how to continue for themselves (also have emergency money for them set aside)
300 Goal List Continued: The Little Things & The Now
- Focus on Salon Goals to increase income
- Save money for the house
- Watch credit score
- Learn Blog layout
- Write content list for Blog and RE
- Study for RE exam (MI)
- Start Networking/ Meet ups
- Learn how to do Hashtags and traffic
- New fb groups for MI
- Figure out what commercial needs are in MI
- Monthly Spa Day
- Get nails done
- Buy nice things for myself and the girls
- Decorate my house
- Buy hobby things
- Go out to eat without feeling guilty
- Buy myself a nice ring
- Fun last minute trips with daughter
- Buy a camper
- Coffee house self dates
- Writing days
- Purging socials until I’m comfortable with audience
- Self dates
- Social time
- Start becoming who I want to be for myself
- Have a library of books in my house
- Salon spot in my house to do hair
- Have nice office space in my house
- My own cricket for making things
- Learn to crochet with daughter
- Making spices, canning, dehydrating, bread, ect
- Watching TV and having wine
- My own hot tub
- Grocery shopping without watching budget
- No debt & pay off current
- Learn couponing again
- Go see my daughters other family up North often
This list is incomplete and will be edited as time goes on to reflect what is actually important to me. The idea behind the lists is to give yourself small and large goals. Some can be checked off pretty quickly and others will take time.
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Resources

April 17, 2024

by KC

by KC · Published April 17, 2024

Resources for Help

https://www.211.org

https://www.habitat.org

https://www.findhelp.org

https://www.crisistextline.org

April 15, 2024

by KC

The Hardest Walk

Let me start by saying that this blog has been “in the works” for a long time. I just couldn’t get myself to publish anything. I deleted things I wrote and thought I was...

Resources

April 17, 2024

by KC

Resources for Help

https://www.211.org https://www.habitat.org https://www.findhelp.org https://www.crisistextline.org

In the Beginning

April 19, 2024

by KC

ADHD and other neurodivergences often have what is called a dopamine deficiency. In other words, we need the reward chemical in our brain to do things and feel safe. This also drives our attachments...

In the Beginning

April 15, 2024

by KC

Rebuilding After Trauma is Hard But Worth it!

We can be fabulous and achieve amazing things alone! I have a bad habit of not giving myself enough credit for what I HAVE done. Steve Harvey has wonderful motivational speeches. One of them...

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